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Domestic Violence Myths & Realities
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE:
Myths, Realities and Changing Your Thinking
Myth: Domestic violence is a “loss of control.”
Reality: Violent behavior is a choice. Perpetrators use it to control their victims. Domestic violence is about batterers using their control, not losing their control. Their actions are very deliberate.
Myth: Relationship violence affects only a small part of the population.
Reality: According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, from 25% to 50% of all women in heterosexual relationships are abused. A study conducted in 1995 found that 31% of women surveyed admitted to having been physically assaulted by a husband or boyfriend.
Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44 in our country, and the FBI estimates that a woman is beaten every 15 seconds. National studies estimate that 3 to 4 million women are beaten each year in our country. The Surgeon General has reported that battering threatens the lives of more women than rape, cancer or car accidents combined.
Thirty percent of female homicide victims are killed by partners or ex-partners and 1,500 women are murdered as a result of domestic violence each year in the United States.
Change Your Thinking: I understand that domestic/relationship violence is extremely common, and affects all aspects of society.
Myth: Domestic violence occurs only among poorly educated families in the lower socio-economic classes and/or people of color.
Reality: Battering affects women of all classes, races, religions, nationalities and ages, married or not, straight and lesbian. When researchers categorize batterers by profession, police officers, doctors, lawyers and accountants rank as the most at risk to commit violence against a mate.
Studies of domestic violence consistently have found that battering occurs among all types of families, regardless of income, profession, region, ethnicity, educational level or race.
Lower-income victims and abusers are over-represented in calls to police, battered women’s shelters and social services primarily due to a lack of other resources.
Change Your Thinking: I understand that one’s position in society is no protection against domestic/relationship violence, and therefore I should not stereotype victims of this violence as from a certain class or ethnic/racial group.
Myth: Domestic violence is usually a one time, isolated occurrence.
Reality: Battering is a pattern of coercion and control that one person exerts over another. Battering is not just one physical attack. It includes the repeated use of a number of tactics, including intimidation, threats, economic deprivation, isolation, and psychological and sexual abuse. Physical violence is just one of these tactics. The various forms of abuse utilized by batterers help to maintain power and control over their spouses and partners.
Myth: Fights between mates is a natural part of life. Men have a right to discipline their partners for misbehaving. Battering is not a crime.
Reality: Disagreements occur in all relationships. What distinguishes a disagreement, or “heated argument” from abuse is emotional degradation and/or physical violence. In many instances, physical abuse begins when the woman becomes pregnant, or immediately after the wedding ceremony.
Battering is considered to be as common among dating couples as those who are married. Studies among college students revealed that as many as 27% of women were physically abused, and 36% had partners who sexually abused them.
While our society derives from a patriarchal legal system that afforded men the right to physically chastise their wives and children, we do not live under such a system now. Women and children are no longer considered the property of men, and domestic violence is a crime in every state in the country.
Change Your Thinking: I will learn the difference between a disagreement between equals and an argument that fosters abuse. If I have trouble discussing my feelings, I will seek help in order to learn how to handle conflict without violence.
Myth: A slap never hurt anyone.
Reality: A slap can kill. According to the Journal of the American Medical Association, 35% of all women who arrive at doctors’ offices or hospital seeking emergency treatment are victims of domestic violence. Battering causes emotional disability and physical disability, including blindness, deafness, paralysis—even death. In as many as half of all abusive relationships, rape is part of the abuse. Nearly one-half of all women murdered in the U.S. are killed by a male partner.
Change Your Thinking: Any kind of violence, whether emotional or physical, is harmful. It’s important to take all forms of abuse seriously.
Myth: Abused women must be masochistic; they provoke the abuse and want to be beaten, otherwise they would leave the guy.
Reality: No one asks to be abused. And no one deserves to be abused regardless of what they say or do. Victim provocation is no more common in domestic violence than in any other crime.
Women may be reluctant to leave for a complex set of factors, including shame, fear of being unable to support herself or her children (a majority of homeless women have fled abusive relationships), degraded self-esteem after years of emotional abuse, even love or concern for the abuser. Other factors include fear of further violence, few viable options for housing and support, unhelpful responses from the criminal justice system or other agencies, social isolation, cultural or religious constraints or a commitment to the abuser and the relationship. Women are raised to feel responsible for keeping a family emotionally intact, for care-taking and healing wounds; it makes sense that some may feel responsible for the violence inflicted on them, for self-blame and believing the man they love can be changed.
Some women are literally physically trapped in a violent relationship. Their spouses lock them in, removing phones and taking the children to daycare, never letting the woman know where her children are. Others are disabled, either prior to, or because of the battering. Because not all shelters are physically accessible, they may have no other place to go.
Some women simply have no idea that help is available. This is often true, for example, for immigrant women who speak no English (and who may be threatened with deportation if they tell), or deaf women, who are isolated from the general knowledge hearing people “pick up” from radio, TV or other verbal sources.
When a woman does leave a relationship, there are no guarantees of safety. The most dangerous time for abused women is during a separation. It has been estimated that the danger to a victim increases by 70% when she attempts to leave, as the abuser escalates his use of violence when he begins to lose control. Batterers will often go to great lengths to trace their spouses or partners in order to continue the abuse. Many abusers feel that they “own” their mates and are entitled to do as they wish, that “if I can’t have her, no one else can, either.” How often have you read in the headlines, “Man kills wife, children, self?” Now, think how often you have read, “Woman kills husband, children, self?”
Battered women often make repeated attempts to leave violent relationships, but are prevented from doing so by increased violence and control tactics on the part of the abuser.
Change Your Thinking: Instead of blaming the victim for staying, I will instead ask, “Why does he abuse her?” When I hear others making these comments, I will remind them that the offender is the batterer, not the victim.
Myth: Some women provoke their men and deserve to get beaten. After all, it takes two to tango.
Reality: Studies have shown repeatedly that what a woman does or doesn’t do has no effect on reducing the violence in a relationship. The abuser is responsible for his violence, not his victim.
Domestic violence is often characterized by the “cycle of violence.” First, there is a period of incredible tension. The abused partner may feel like she is “walking on eggshells.” This tension heightens and finally explodes in violence, often including rape. Because women know the violence is inevitable, they may consciously trigger the violent episode so they can get it over with sooner than later. This is a way of maintaining some control over an uncontrollable situation—they may not have any say over whether the beating happens, but they might have some control over when it happens. The violence often ends with a “honeymoon” period, when the batterer is remorseful, repentant and loving. This behavior entraps the victim even more, as she truly believes his promises to change. Over time, the cycle may grow shorter and shorter, with battering incidents becoming more frequent and the honeymoon phase shrinking and eventually disappearing.
Change Your Thinking: I see the cycle of violence in my own relationship, or in those of my friends. By recognizing this, I may be able to have an impact on ending or intervening in the abuse—or even getting out of a relationship before the violence escalates.
Myth: When there is violence in the family, all members of the family are participating in the dynamic, and therefore, all must change for the violence to stop.
Reality: Only the batterer has the ability to stop the violence. Battering is a behavioral choice for which the batterer must be held accountable. Many battered women make numerous attempts to change their behavior in the hope that this will stop the abuse. This does not work. Changes in family members’ behavior will not cause the batterer to be non-violent.
Myth: Married women are responsible for keeping the family together. She made her bed; she has to lie in it.
Reality: No woman deserves to be beaten. No one deserves to be humiliated, degraded, beaten, raped. A batterer is responsible for his own violent behavior, and he will only stop if he understands what he has done, why he must change and makes a commitment to changing. It is difficult to expect him to manage it alone. While there are generally more resources for abused women in urban areas, even rural areas have resources. Groups for abusive men work to help them change and learn new ways of dealing with frustration and anger.
Change Your Thinking: By putting all the responsibility of maintaining family harmony on the woman, I am re-victimizing the victim. All adult members of a family have responsibility for fostering communication and harmony, but when one is abused, it is the responsibility of the abuser to stop the violence. If someone is abused, and there is no hope of change on the part of the batterer, then she must do what she can for her own survival and that of her children.
Myth: men who batter are often good fathers and should have joint custody of their children if the couple separates.
Reality: Batterers choose to be violent toward their partners in ways they would never consider treating other people.
Studies have found that men who batter their wives also abuse their children in 70% of cases. Even when children are not directly abused, they suffer as a result of witnessing one parent assault the other. Batterers often display an increased interest in their children at the time of separation, as a means of maintaining contact with, and thus control over, their partners.
Myth: Men batter because they’ve been drinking or taking drugs, or because the woman has been drinking or taking drugs.
Reality: Not all batterers use alcohol or drugs, and even men who are chronic substance abusers batter when they are sober. Alcohol and drugs are an excuse for violence, not the cause. Women sometimes use drugs and alcohol to mask their pain and escape the violence, and then become addicted. Sometimes women are coerced into drug addiction by abusive partners and then blackmailed into not seeking legal or emotional help in a strategy known to anti-domestic violence workers as “gas lighting.”
Although there is a high correlation between alcohol, or other substance abuse, and battering, it is not a causal relationship. Stopping the abusers’ drinking or drugging will not stop the violence. Battering and substance abuse need to be addressed separately, as overlapping yet independent problems.
Change Your Thinking: Alcohol and drugs are an excuse for violence, not the cause. If I am to change my behavior, or encourage a change in others, I will not only deal with the substance abuse (if that is the problem) but also seek help in dealing with my anger towards women, and any past history of abuse that I may have.
Myth: The real problem is couples that assault each other. Women are just as violent as men.
Reality: A well-publicized study conducted by Dr. Murray Strauss at the University of New Hampshire found that women use violent means to resolve conflict in relationships as often as men. However, the study also concluded that when the context and consequences of an assault are measured, the majority of victims are women. The U.S. Department of Justice has found that 95% of the victims of spouse abuse are female. Men can be victims, but it is rare.
Myth: Battering occurs only in heterosexual relationships.
Reality: While it isn’t clear just how common it is, battering does happen in same-sex relationships. The abuse is similar to that in heterosexual couples, but it is far more invisible in our society. Many programs for battered women are only just beginning to address this issue, or are insensitive to the needs of battered LGBT individuals, because of ignorance and/or homophobia. However, more groups that support battering survivors are recognizing this issue and working to become as welcoming to LGBT survivors as heterosexual survivors.
Change Your Thinking: Battering is about power and control, and there is no better example of this than in same-sex relationships, as it is clear that the issue is not “how men behave” or “how women behave” but how people behave when they feel the need to control others. A key difference here is that both lesbians and gay men are more isolated due to heterosexism and homophobia in our culture; consequently, I need to be sensitive to that fact.
Myth: Once a battered woman, always a battered woman.
Reality: While some battered women have been in more than one abusive relationship, women who receive domestic violence services are the least likely to enter another abusive relationship.
Change Your Thinking: With help, I can change the direction of my life.
COMPILED FROM THE FOLLOWING SOURCES:
http://womenscenter.virginia.edu/sdvs/domestic/myths.htm
http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/myths.htm
http://www.turningpointservices.org/Domestic%20Violence%20-%20Myths%20and%20Facts.htm
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